Never understood..

I never understood

why I would walk around with a mask

called a smile

and pretend to be fine

while I visibly was not

I never understood

why my chest would get so heavy

with emotions

that I could not breathe

or leave my bed for days upon days

I never understood

why my image in the mirror

would be so haunting

that I would cry

when my mom would remind me

it was just a reflection

that was distorted

I never understood

why my physical pain

would be easier to cope with

than the emotional damage

I had endured

I never understood

why the demons in my head

would tell me to do such unthinkable things

to myself on a regular basis

I never understood

why I was never good enough for myself

no matter

what I would change to better myself.

I never understood

why I wouldn't let myself believe

I had a problem

when I so desperately needed help

And

I don't understand

why I was so ashamed of something

that wasn't my fault

but I do understand

it has been a few years

and things get easier.

And

I understand

that without everything I felt,

I wouldn't be

who I am today.